The Rainbow Experience

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

To whom it may concern 

                HELLO my Christian Brother or sister! (if you are a heathen put this down, like right now, mmkay? Thanks!)  So if you haven’t heard I recently found this great website called Couragerc.net it is all about how you can deal with those pesky homosexual attractions. Now, if you are curious as to why you should trust this website, it got the Triple Excellency Gold Award for Excellence in Fidelity, Resources, and Usability from CatholicCulture.org, and it is a Catholic website that gave it so you can tell that it is totally unbiased and professional. Anyhow, I shall now get to the point of this, the 12 steps of courage, as taken directly from this fantastic website!

Step Numero Uno (I hope that didn’t come out too queer! Sorry I’m new.): We admitted that we were powerless over homosexuality and our lives had become unmanageable.

Yes our lives had become unmanageable, so we have to do the only sensible thing: put all our faith into a bunch of old men(What could possibly go wrong?), and follow every word of the Pope, who is dressed like a flashy drag queen. (See? Your life won’t change that drastically).             

Step Number Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Yes, indeed. I was insane. You see somewhere between my undying love for the Golden Girls, and my horrible lust for companionship, understanding, love, and compassion with some who had the same genitals I had lost my mind. All gay people have indeed gone insane because we only have physical attractions devoid of all emotion (oh what a horny bunch we are).

Step Number Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood Him.

Remember we turned are will over to the way we understand God, but don’t let that confuse you, God is in no way subjective. The Pope’s stated thought and interpretations of God shall now become yours (its easier that way, dontcha think? And in all seriousness do not think….at all. That is how the devil gets you.)   

Step Four: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Taking a moral inventory was rather hard, being a recovering moral abomination. I was rather lacking in the moral department,  What I mean is, things I was raised to believe were good such as love, hope, ambition must being disgusting to God do to such ideals being heavily drawn on by my sinful homosexuality. So, I did what any good person would do and looked to the Church. Sadly, this did not yield what I would like. I realized how Un-Catholic I must still appear to the Church I mean, I don’t demean the role of women, hide pedophiles, or  fancy  the idea of ritual cannibalism but I now vow to you, my reader, that I shall begin to do so very soon lest I go to hell.

Step Five: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Indeed, homosexuality is unnatural, and, if you look at animals in nature, they never form such relationships. Just look at dogs, lions, penguins, orcas, buffalo, dolphins, elephants, bears, and caribou (to name a few). They never form such unnatural relationships in nature. So, clearly, homosexuals are wrong to believe that their sexual orientation is natural.

Step Six: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of our character.

Remember that waiting for the big man upstairs to do something for you is always the best way to go. Remember if you still have homosexual attractions, this is just the sign that you are not praying hard enough. SO HOP TO IT!

Step Seven: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
 

Now, you may think that this is the same as the last— you are correct. Remember, if at first you don’t succeed, pray harder. Prayer will get so much done, sitting around with your hands folded and talking to yourself will move mountains.

Step Eight: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make direct amends to them all.

If you are reading this then my homosexuality has had a negative impact on your very person. you see, we gays lust after everyone with a penis (devoid of all standards ).  An image of you may have been involved in a kicky lustful sex dream of mine, and if you have one of those “vaginas” my inability to be physically turned on by you must have had a negative impact on your confidence possibly causing an eating disorder, or maybe even have suicidal thoughts. I feel so guilty for forcing this upon you most virtuous ladies.

Step Nine: We made the direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

Er, yeah I wish Step Nine had been with Step Eight, I could have then left out that odd detail of our (the homosexuals) sickening lust and  desire for the male genitalia because to even hint at talking about an issue could lead to a breakdown in morality. We must keep on the holy path of talking around such issues, lest our street become a mad house of drug induced gay orgies. For we must protect the children from such things.

Step Ten: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

 Grrr, now with this moral inventory Step reappearing I am reminded on how Un-Catholic I have been. I must move hiding pedophiles to the top of my list. Damn Catholic Gui- I mean hurray Jesus!

Step Eleven: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of God’s Will for us and the power to carry it out.

Like, I previously stated, God is in no way subjective and we must listen to everything the flashy drag quee- I mean the Pope tells us to do, for he is infallible and infinitely wise about everything.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Remember, we must take these steps and incorporate them in every affair of our lives. Like, my affair with the cute Spanish gardener—shoot! Back to Step Numero Uno. Damn those pesky homosexual thoughts.